A knock at the door

When suicide comes knocking these days

It’s not the same as before

Not that when he comes

It doesn’t hurt

The image these days is to cut out my right eye in a circle 

Gouge it out with a knife

Like there would be some release from pain 

After that

When suicide first came into my life 

It was the shock beyond shocks 

Against everything I stood for

To persevere, to commit to others 

And yourself

To heal through facing pain 

Alone and together

But things built up 

And built up again 

In a way I didn’t understand 

And when they finally burst

There was no stopping

The flood

At first all I understood

Was that I’d been squeezed too hard

Between competing pressures

A head in a vice 

A grape that had popped 

Too much

As a kid I felt the pressures

And didn’t understand why it was so strong

It made making choices difficult 

Too much riding on each decision 

If you feel 

The people around you very strongly

It can be hard to make room

For yourself 

So when suicide comes back now

These days 

I tell myself 

I live 

In a place that I love

There are people who love me

That I am part of something much bigger

Than myself 

That God has a plan 

That I’m on the right side 

And at some point

I’ll be able to rest