When you escape a weary, grey season
For the sea and the sun
There is relief and mostly gratitude
Since not everybody can
But nightmares don’t stop in the warmth
Nor fear of what’s coming
You can run anywhere in the world
And still what’s coming trails behind
A tailgater on the highway
A shadow on the sun
What am I doing?
I’m a nice Jewish boy
I’m supposed to be a doctor or a lawyer
And if I’m lucky
Winning some recognition
The ‘Someone E. Something Award for Contribution in the Field’
I could hang it on my wall
Instead of the posters of the musicians
I’ve never met
Who’ve somehow managed to chart the course of my life
But no matter how off-off Broadway the ride
No one expects to end up in converse with God
In battle with God
For the sake of God
Or maybe we all are
And my eyes are just a little more wide open
But holy shit
It’s good to be alive
‘The prophet is not concerned with his own salvation’
But I am
I’m petrified
Every nightmare is a disaster not just for the world
But for me
‘Judaism is not concerned with personal salvation but with universal redemption’
It can be tough to focus on the latter when the issue of the former is swimming in front of your eyes
God asks for kavannah - for the heart
But Jeremiah says ‘the heart is deceitful above all things’
Where does that leave us? leave me? When I wake up in the morning, still coursing with what I saw during the night?
Some days I feel peace mixed with joy to overflow And some days I’m a rolling boulder gathering enough speed to end the world
Part of wisdom is being able to shrug your shoulders and say ‘that’s life’
But shrugging is dangerous at this speed
So maybe all I can do is grip tighter
And hold on
Is this the fate of the world?
Help us, O Lord
For it not to be so
We beseech thee
In exhaustion and grief
Hear us and come to our aid
If not for our sake
Then for Thine own
For the sake of Thy Name
And because I know Thou lovest us
And it would grieve thee to see us lost
Gather us to Thee
Like a Father who greets the return of his children
At last
With joy and peace
With violins and tambourines
Hallelujah
Who am I to be a leader
I’m a giant knot of fear, hope, love and pain
Of joy and shame
There are so many others
Who seem to have untangled
The knots of their lives
Or had far less of them to begin with
I admit that sometimes
I can jump over mountains
But often taking a single step feels
Like a fool’s game
Like I’m in the middle of a shining winter lake
Surrounded by cracking ice
Wouldn’t the guy in charge
Entrust important duties
To someone whose stride is unfailingly steady?
He must like an underdog
Or a good story
Or something
But oh man
Do I sometimes wish for some spoilers
It seems that everything I’m exposed to
I soak up like a sponge
Til I’m sopping wet
And can take no more
And so escape to sleep
Where the drama is reflected
And continued in dreams
Til I can take no more
And wake with a gasp
And a shudder
Breathing like I just got off
A roller coaster
And thinking
“There cannot be any more space in my brain”
